The following is the true story as told by PinkoKorner with a forwarding note by cousin Kimberly:
Kimberly wrote:
Hi Dan, Here is my pinko communist cousin's reply to your e-mail, which of course, I sent to her.
PinkoKorner wrote:
The true story is also making the internet rounds. . .
So. . .this is how it all began. . .
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. Some women spent their days growing the grain and making the beer. After observing the effects of the beer on the men, the women were quite pleased. This was the beginning of birth control. The women also made bread from the grain and ate the bread. The women shared the grain with chickens and cows who in return provided omelettes, calcium rich beverages and fertilizer for the grain. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. The men, weaker and less skilled than the women, stole the bread and screwed the cows. This was the beginning of the Conservative movement. Later some of the men became fertilizer.
Other women who were greedier and less skilled at producing, learned how to live off Liberals by showing up for the bread and omelettes every day and doing men's work like scratching, farting and losing hair. This was the future of the Conservative movement. Later, some of the women actually became Conservatives.
Conservative achievements include the domestication of rats, invention of domestic abuse and proliferation of guns to determine how to divide the beer and bread that the Liberals provided. Men were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still men back then, and the Liberals fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the lumbering, slow-moving animal characterized as the ‘servant of the great Earth Mother’ in traditional society. Liberals are symbolized by the surefooted animal with great powers of endurance. Conservatives like contaminated water because it’s cheaper and allows them to maximize their profits, and beer because someone else made it and it won’t make them sick like their water. They like their beef raw on the inside and burnt on the outside because that’s how it turns out when they drink beer while barbecuing, and they think that if they don’t admit it tastes bad, then it doesn’t. Beef, beer and beano are on Conservative menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Most prison guards, corporate raiders, rapists, murderers, armed robbers, embezzlers and CEOs are Conservatives. Conservatives invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because they couldn’t win if they let the player with the worst batting average take a turn.
Liberals drink clean water. They eat grains and scrambled eggs and feed others with their extra. Liberals are inventors, scientists, geologists, farmers, intellectuals, artists and generally anyone who helps others, invents better ways to do things, finds cures for terrible diseases, and helps to feed and clothe people and improve the world in general for everyone.
Conservatives drink beer. They eat raw dead cows, and still their women provide for them. Conservatives enjoying killing animals they don’t need to eat, riding bulls after they imbed burrs in their skin, cutting down ancient trees that will not grow back in order to make decks on which to drink beer, whistling admiringly at Liberals, wearing uniforms and guns while attacking people, stealing from old people to improve profits, killing foreigners, taking drugs to make them look bigger and run faster. Conservatives are generally anyone who steals from others with the help of the government. Liberals who own companies hire Conservatives to do the cheating, stealing and shredding of documents for them.
Conservatives do not produce anything. They like to "steal" from the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. They call it free trade. They believe the people with the biggest ‘guns’ should get the most free trade. Conservatives believe military dictators are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Conservatives just stayed in the Third World when Liberals were coming to America. The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.
A hundred years ago, a third world military dictator visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "She’s up at the house making beer and bread and doing all the work. But here’s a beer and a gun. Let’s go shoot us some squirrels."
